Dude.

Life is kicking my trash. And I'm feeling mighty disconnected and I don't know what to do about it. And I HATE that out of control feeling.

I'm so stressed out about paying all that money to go to Blackpool for my ballroom team. Don't get me wrong, I want to go, and it would be a wonderful opportunity, but I'm having a hard time justifying me and Logan spending all of the money we have saved up on a 3 week trip. What if we come home and something happens and we need money and then we don't have it? Or down the road and we want to have a baby but don't have the money for it? Or Dental School coming up...I feel so freaked out that we would come home to like zero money in the bank, just like that. But I don't know how to tell my coach that I really don't feel comfortable going. It's not that we don't have enough for the trip..it's just life after the trip that I'm worried about. I am so scared to go talk to him about what to do. He'll tell me to just go by myself. Or he'll hate me more than he already does. Or he won't put me on team if I decide to do it next year. I'm replaceable. I'm not an amazing dancer, I got a late start in ballroom, I'm not anywhere near being the best on the team, I could be replaced in a heart beat. But I do know I'm a good team memeber, I have been more than willing to help out on this team in any way I could. Just this week I had to jump in and learn an entire dance for a show for the school of the arts at UVU. Not easy, but I did it. I'm so scared to talk to my coach about it. But I just don't really feel like I can go. And that devastates me. And I've been crying about it a lot lately. I hate crying.

And I feel so disconnected from my families. My side of the family is so freaking sick and was last week too so I haven't seen any of them in so long and I miss them. I miss them so freaking much. And Logan's family is so busy I feel like a total pest if I call and ask if I can come see them. Like I'm a huge annoyance and I hate feeling that way and it's probably so not even the case but wow do I feel like a loser about it.

And new dance injury...I think I have a stupid stress fracture in my left foot. It started hurting on Tuesday and it's hurting worse now than it did then, but I don't want to go to a doctor about it because a) I don't have the money to just throw down for an x-ray and b) I would just be told to stop dancing and with concert three weeks away that's not really an option. But oh my heck it hurts. Only when I stand. Or walk. And when my foot is more warm it's not as bad. But if anyone has any advice on how to deal with it...let me know.

And really, I just need to calm the freak down. All this stress...it's getting to me and my stupid loser of an ulcer that I obtained right before Logan and I got married is back with vengance so it kills to eat anything. Great.

Blah, I just needed to get it out. I don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to and have them understand so I'll fling it into the blogger cyber world and probably all of you think I'm a total freeeeeeeeak but now it's out there. Sorry for the whinefest.

I may or may not be becoming addicted...

I'm becoming addicted to blogging. Two posts in two days and a new background? Yeah.

I teach dance at an after school ballroom program and I've had a few kids compete this semester. It's been really fun watching them improve in class, as well as hearing about their experiences with competitions. Today was the first day I got to go and watch my students dance! I had two couples compete and they did great! Considering they just started dancing this year and they were competing against those crazy BYU Youth dancers, I was so proud of them. They didn't make call backs, but they stayed on rhythm (most of the time) and they had a lot of fun. Watching them come off the floor with new found excitement for performing for other people and being so proud of what they have been working for was so rewarding for me. I was so nervous before they were about to dance, Logan told me I needed to chill, but I was so happy to watch them. Here's a picture right before they were about to go on. Man, I love my job.

After the comp we got to help with Braxton's birthday party. Favorite quote of the day:

"Knock knock, who's there, rootbeer splashed all over your face. HAHAHAHA!!" Gotta love 5 year old humor.

Also, we got to go to lunch today with Mark and Angie. We went to Purple Turtle and ended up talking and laughing and inhabitting one of their booths for 3 hilarious hours. I'm glad we're getting along this well!!

Reason #739462 I'm the Luckiest Girl in the World

Enough said, Amen.



I love this man!!! What can I say!! He's pretty stinking cute!



I'm figuring this blogging thing out...Thanks Cecilia!!

This week has been a crazy one! Braxton turned 5 and we got to go to his birthday party at Pirate Island. It was so fun to see all the kiddos get so excited over everything! I love all my nieces and nephews so much I always want to scoop them all into my arms and squish them into oblivian. It makes me excited to have kiddos...in a I can totally wait a little longer before actually experiencing it myself kind of way...but even still, they are so adorable, if my kids are half as cute/funny/adorable/spunky as these kids, I'll be mighty pleased.



I was glad to have another family get together with the Spence Clan. I've always heard so many scary things about in-laws and how terrible they are, but I have no idea what everyone was talking about because my in laws totally rock! I love being with them! I feel so blessed to have a good relationship with all of them, after all, they are going to be in my life for a while!! Shout out to the Spence Peeps...thanks for welcoming me into the family!! I love each and every one of you!



School is still kicking our butts. I didn't do so hot on my kinesiology test on the spine, whicj was disappointing because I had studied my guts out for it and still didn't do very well. Logan, on the other hand, is rocking my socks off!! I am so proud of his latest score--97% on his Chemistry 2 test. He'd kill me if he knew I told the blogging world that, but I really am just so proud of him! He's studied so much and it's really paying off! He's such a smart boy. Just another reason I love him!



Tomorrow is the DanceSport festival at UVU...I have four students competing and it'll be my first time watching them! I'm very excited to see how they do, they've been working so hard at practice! I really do have the best job in the whole world. Reason #84938 I'm the Luckiest Girl in the World.



Looking forward to a great weekend ahead of us!

Also...Mother Nature hear my pleas...bring me a warm sunny day for my birthday...you have twelve days to work that into your schedule if possible. If that won't work, make spring break get here faster so Logan and I can possibly escape to California where I can see my other boyfriend, Mickey Mouse. Thank you.

Big Changes

Team Spence got a whole lot bigger the past month...

...And no I'm not pregnant.

When I was a wee little baby I was adopted to the Belnap family. I am the LUCKIEST girl in the whole world to have my parents as my parents. Plus my sissies rock quite a bit, I'll keep them. Well, my adoption was closed, and when I turned 21 I was supposed to be able to open up my files and learn about my biological parents. I never really thought it would go anywhere, and had already come to terms that I might never know the people who, uh, birthed (?) me, but last November I got a peculiar phone call from Children's Aid Society (my adoption agency) telling me my birthmom had contacted them and was starting her side of the paperwork to be able to open the files and if I wanted to meet her I could start on my paperwork, and also that my birthdad had filed his name with the state with this registry to find me when I turned 21. It was more than a dream come true! I love my family, but it was so amazing that I was going to be able to meet my birthparents and see them face to face and ask them questions and stuff!

We had lots and lots of paperwork and complications happen, but the day before new years eve, I FINALLY got a letter from Carrin, my birthmom. A LOT had happened since I had heard from her last in 1997...she got married and was raising two kids, Geena is 16 and basically my twin, we look a lot a like and act alike and both dance and...yeah, if you knew me when I was 16, then you know how Geena is, and Carrin's other kiddo is Andrew, he's 12 and SUCH A BOY. Skateboarding, biking, crashing, getting dirty, crushing on girls...yeah. He's quieter so it's harder to get to know him, but when he does talk he totally cracks me up. Also, his ears turn red when he's tired. Cute. Hahaha. And then Carrin's hubby is Ray. I call him Pirate Ray, or just Pirate. You see, Carrin and Ray met on a blind date and got married 2 1/2 weeks later. Yes folks, WEEKS. And then I found them on facebook, and Ray has a huge scruffy beard and long, long hair. So, not really knowing Carrin, I dubbed her psychotic, but luckily I kept talking to her...haha, because she's so not psychotic, I promise!! Ray grows his hair out for Locks of Love and right now he's on the grow out phase...so he looks like a pirate...hence the name. And Carrin and Ray are going on 13 happy, happy years and they're basically perfect for each other.

Carrin and I e-mailed like crazy for two weeks and met on January 15, 2010. It went so well!! She brought Geena and Andrew, and later we all went to Sizzler for dinner with Pirate (Logan was there too kids). It went better than I could have ever hoped!! This is the whole group (minus the Pirate..I have yet to get a picture with him...I'll work on it)...Logan, Me, Geena, Andrew, and Carrin. See a family resemblance? I think so. Especially with Geena and I...see....

Next big reunion...Not as many pictures this time...but through Carrin I got my birthdad's e-mail address and I got to meet him February 1....His name is Mark, he's married to Angie, she has a daughter named Tatum who is 12 I believe, and an amazing soccer player...and super dooper cute. Angie and Mark are expecting a little girl this summer...which is good because I only have sisters, Logan only has sisters, and with Geena and Tatum thrown in the mix, we might as well just keep the ladies in the family...uh...sorry Andrew, you're severly left out. But I still love ya. Here's a picture of the Mark Meeting....we went to my fave restaurant...Los Hermanos...so yummy!!! And yes, I'm wearing a Los Hermanos shirt. Don't judge.

This is Angie (baby in the oven...not that you can tell...I was scared to ask about her pregnancy because I thought maybe I had made it up in my head because she so doesn't look pregnant at ALLLLL, but yes, I do get another little sister, so hooray), Tatum, Mark, Me, and Logan.

I've decided I have Carrin's eyes and nose, and a femine version of Mark's jaw and smile. It's been a WHOLE STINKING LOT OF FUN getting to know both of them! I'm seeing more of where I come from, my heritage, why I act the way I do, and so on. I've loved it! I can't wait to get to know them better!