Life is kicking my trash. And I'm feeling mighty disconnected and I don't know what to do about it. And I HATE that out of control feeling.
I'm so stressed out about paying all that money to go to Blackpool for my ballroom team. Don't get me wrong, I want to go, and it would be a wonderful opportunity, but I'm having a hard time justifying me and Logan spending all of the money we have saved up on a 3 week trip. What if we come home and something happens and we need money and then we don't have it? Or down the road and we want to have a baby but don't have the money for it? Or Dental School coming up...I feel so freaked out that we would come home to like zero money in the bank, just like that. But I don't know how to tell my coach that I really don't feel comfortable going. It's not that we don't have enough for the trip..it's just life after the trip that I'm worried about. I am so scared to go talk to him about what to do. He'll tell me to just go by myself. Or he'll hate me more than he already does. Or he won't put me on team if I decide to do it next year. I'm replaceable. I'm not an amazing dancer, I got a late start in ballroom, I'm not anywhere near being the best on the team, I could be replaced in a heart beat. But I do know I'm a good team memeber, I have been more than willing to help out on this team in any way I could. Just this week I had to jump in and learn an entire dance for a show for the school of the arts at UVU. Not easy, but I did it. I'm so scared to talk to my coach about it. But I just don't really feel like I can go. And that devastates me. And I've been crying about it a lot lately. I hate crying.
And I feel so disconnected from my families. My side of the family is so freaking sick and was last week too so I haven't seen any of them in so long and I miss them. I miss them so freaking much. And Logan's family is so busy I feel like a total pest if I call and ask if I can come see them. Like I'm a huge annoyance and I hate feeling that way and it's probably so not even the case but wow do I feel like a loser about it.
And new dance injury...I think I have a stupid stress fracture in my left foot. It started hurting on Tuesday and it's hurting worse now than it did then, but I don't want to go to a doctor about it because a) I don't have the money to just throw down for an x-ray and b) I would just be told to stop dancing and with concert three weeks away that's not really an option. But oh my heck it hurts. Only when I stand. Or walk. And when my foot is more warm it's not as bad. But if anyone has any advice on how to deal with it...let me know.
And really, I just need to calm the freak down. All this stress...it's getting to me and my stupid loser of an ulcer that I obtained right before Logan and I got married is back with vengance so it kills to eat anything. Great.
Blah, I just needed to get it out. I don't really feel like I have anyone I can talk to and have them understand so I'll fling it into the blogger cyber world and probably all of you think I'm a total freeeeeeeeak but now it's out there. Sorry for the whinefest.